5 Brilliant Ways to Hide from Your Alma Mater

Posted on May 25, 2013

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It’s pretty impressive isn’t it?

The way your former college tracks you. As soon as you move to a new address, their newsletter arrives in the mail. Even if your new home is a short stay…on a desert island…or in a homeless shelter.

They will find you. The appeals never stop. The “please give” requests never sleep.

Many college alumni like staying in contact with their former schools. Great. But if you’d prefer to end the pen pal relationship you must know that…

There is no unsubscribe button

Don’t bother asking them not to contact you. That won’t work and they ain’t tryin’ to hear that anyway.

I can’t say how they find us so quickly. Do they bribe the post office? Use hunting dogs? Plant spies in the neighborhood? Whatever it is, they track us better than bio-chip companies.

We make a great team!

The alumni association is shameless as well. They know full well that you were pretty much ignored by the administration while you were a student. Now that you’re older, they’re hoping you’ve forgotten feeling like a #. They assume the good times you had during those 4 years will smooth over any lingering bitterness.

Seriously.  

It works too. Even though everything beneficial about college happened faraway from the campus bureaucracy, with age, your mind slows and begins to lump it all together. Soon you’ll find yourself worn down by the constant reminders your alma mater sends you about how much you’ve benefited from your association with them. You’ll start donating money. Yes, you’ve already paid enough to them in room and board but what’s a few more bucks between old friends, right?

Wrong. You don’t have to be snookered by their soliciting. You won’t even have to be the scrooge who throws away the junk mail when it finds you. Why? Cuz you won’t be receiving it!

Here are five can’t-miss ways to hide from alumni mailings:

  1. Fake your own death – this method is slightly inconvenient and you’ll need the help of others but it’s not impossible. Jack Bauer pulled it off successfully. The question is…how bad do you want those campus updates to go away?
  2. Change your identity – some might think you’re overreacting if you inform them of your plans. But c’mon, they’re not the ones hounded by your university! This book recommends going invisible in order to save your life and protect your assets. Added bonuses if you really want to avoid those newsletters.
  3. Forward the mailings to a namesake – maybe not the most considerate thing to do but if the campus directory gets hold of somebody with your name, does it matter whether he’s an 18 yo in Massachusetts or a 61 yo in Missouri? He might actually care that State U. has added a new major in underwater sign language!
  4. Sign the mailings away in the divorce  – you’ve squabbled over everything and paid through the nose to parcel out the joint property. In the midst of such upheaval, you can tell your ex to only forward you specific mail. They’ll oblige if it means avoiding you.  That means the school’s expensive, glossy magazine will remain invisible.
  5. Embarrass the school name  – this might work. If you show up drunk at an alumni event and heckle the University’s President, they might strike your name from the books. Or, try doing something high-profile such as Occupying the White House Lawn. Your name might harm their fundraising abilities and they’ll quietly forget you.

It is strange that so many supposedly eco-friendly colleges still use snail mail for fundraising. Then again, e-mails are easy to delete or send to the spam folder…not good, especially if your school is spending $175 million on a dorm.

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